Here’s the thing, economics is like meteorology but with people. We create better and more advanced algorithms all the time and become better and better at predicting the weather. While we get it right some of the time and for all our improvements, overall we’re still terrible at it. As it turns out, economics is pretty much the same deal. It’s a whole social science about trying to guess what people are going to do in a given situation and then trying to make them do what “the powers that be” want. The problem is that people are totally unpredictable and q43 often just completely random. There are so many factors that we simply just don’t think of that come into play and as a result economics, for the most part, just totally fails at its primary goal of predicting behavior. It’s called “the dismal science” for a reason. I find it endlessly entertaining when students question things like supply and demand… “Gas prices keep going up but we keep buying it at the same rate, why?” Well, because economics says what you’re SUPPOSED to do not necessarily what you’ll ACTUALLY do. Sure, I can throw out ideas like elasticity and things like that but in the end, people simply aren’t predictable.

This year I got to start teaching psychology and slowly but surely I’ve realized it’s pretty much the same class as economics but just trying to figure out the angle from the standpoint of the brain instead of from “money”. It creates an endless number of concepts and universalities that basically work as stereotypes and some of the time work but really just do a much better job of hoodwinking high schoolers into seeming like there’s an answer than actually explaining human behavior.

So, let’s give all this rambling a point. I’ve found myself thinking about the idea of “The Meaning of Life” ever since I took a series of philosophy classes in late college. (Philosophy is another fun subject, how can I monetize thinking about what I want to do with my life? HEY, I KNOW! I’ll teach people dumber than me about the crap I’ve come up with that they haven’t managed to think about yet!) So my conclusion is… there isn’t a meaning to life. I’m sure that makes me come off as a bit of nihilist but the statement was more an attempt at yellow journalism than what I actually think. We desperately try to universalize the concepts and ideas we come up with. “THIS IDEA APPLIES TO EVERYONE” and honestly, it’s stupid. Our lives are fortunately far too complex to ever be lumped into some group concept of what it’s supposed to be. I want X and you want Z. That’s why all this works. We try to find people who also want X and it makes the path getting to X a lot more fun when we do but sometimes we walk the path alone and that’s OK too.

I guess what I’m saying is, that it’s really easy to see the life of the people around us and think, “Is that how I’m supposed to this? Am I doing it wrong?” and the easy answer is, no, you’re fine. Your path is just a little bit different. No better. No worse. Just different. Take it for what it is and enjoy your version of the meaning of life. Whatever the heck that means.

Now, it would be some kind reverse hubris for me to say nothing good happened because there were certainly positives. Hell, I even recognize that my life is still really pretty good by most standards but I think that ignores a major piece of the human condition. My life may be fantastic by comparison to someone who experienced the true loss of a loved one or battled with disease but that’s not where our feelings and emotions come from. We build from our own experiences, not comparison with someone else’s. 2010 is a year where I lost the person who I loved most dearly and who was also my best friend. Not lost in the sense of death but lost in the sense that changed occurred and now what we had was irreversibly dissolved. The person who I saw as my best friend I will, in all likelihood, never speak with again. Within the context of my own personal experiences, this is the most tragic thing I’ve ever experienced. It couldn’t be more relevant in my feeling that I lost a year.

Time isn’t priceless. We put a value on it every time we work. I think we do this out of a sense of requirement though, or at least I do. It gives that time I do feel control over way more value. It’s not something to be wasted. That’s how I found myself stuck thinking, I had wasted a year of my life. Occasionally, it even bled into, “Carlene stole a year of my life” but the level of melodrama I needed to maintain to feel that way just wouldn’t stick. It locked me into this mindset where I could only see what I’d lost and made me feel desperate to take it all back. As you can imagine, not an overly mentally healthy place to be. Desperation isn’t one of those emotions that spurs you to make good emotional decisions or feel even remotely positive.

Books and movies love the New Year. It’s opportunity and shows up every 365 days. Clockwork. It almost feels like it was created purely for use by storytellers so they could have an opportunity to give main characters a chance a rebirth and recovery after dealing with the challenging part of the story. Metaphor was a concept I struggled with in high school but I find it pretty soothing right now. I like the idea of a semi-literal opportunity to put loss behind me and move onto something new. A clock can roll over to a new day just like it does every day but this time it means something more. Let go of mistakes and frustration and let yourself be what you want. Find a new path. Opportunity washes over your feet like water at the ocean but only if you let it.

Last night I was watching this movie called The Ice Harvest. I had seen it in the theaters back in 2005 and remembered getting a pretty good laugh at it so I popped it in when I got home last night. I get about 80% of the way through the movie when I realize I hadn’t laughed. At all. I start thinking back and wondering if maybe I made a mistake about which movie it was but I’m sure I didn’t. I know I laughed a lot the first time I watched it… this time it just wasn’t funny. It suddenly became a point of reference. It would seem my sense of humor changed a fair amount between 23 and 28. I found myself wondering what else had changed. Is there some other point of reference I could look to and figure out who I was back then? What’s different between then and now? Is my perception at all clearer than it was back then? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work that way though. You don’t get to manifest epiphany. You get it through some combination of readiness, willingness and well… dumb luck. It wouldn’t be an epiphany it came any other way, now would it?

I realized finally what really bothered me about the “I have no regrets” argument. It’s not that people were so anti-regret, it’s that folks couldn’t recognize that regret is actually your friend. It’s the thing that constantly teaches you about your future and what not to do. People who have said they have no regrets not only have regrets but have embraced them in their truest form. A teacher that stays with you all the time, reminding you of the right course in life. The path you SHOULD walk. This is the mistake you made once before, let’s not do it again. Your memory steers you clear of those icebergs we’ve named with a short word. They wait to sink you again but instead your mind points them out and takes you elsewhere.

I love you, regret. Thanks for telling me what not to do again. For making my life better by reminding me of my previous life stories. For staying with me when I consider repeating my mistakes.

Just remember, in the end, life is different. It’s easy to think you’ve been here before but have you really? Is it the same? Maybe sometimes, and just sometimes, it’s worth making the same mistakes over and over. If it’s something you don’t want to give up on. Hope, is a lot more important than life lessons. I think.

P90X is awesome for weightlifting. The videos do an awesome job of targeting the groups they say they’re hitting and will help you build muscle. My problem was the ab workout basically ignores your obliques comparatively to the front. The cardio routines are just not hard enough and just generally doesn’t do enough for your core. I also didn’t love the leg routines for lifting though they were OK.

Insanity does an awesome job of building your cardio. It’s shorter and way more intense than the P90X routines with less rest which I liked. It does an amazing job for working your whole core and your legs get a fantastic workout without any weights (which is how I actually prefer to do my legs as it keeps them nice and trim but really defined rather than making them big. I’m a runner remember.)

I found myself thinking on Friday, “I wish someone would take the best of both routines and put them together!” at which point I realized, “Oh hey, I’m somebody!” so that’s what I’m doing. I’m going to call it PANDEMONIUM! (or Katie liked XSANITY, either works) I suspect this is going to be the most intense workout routine I’ve ever done and I’m going to try and post it online here for other people who want to try it with me and Katie (my workout buddy).

First a warning, if you’re thinking, “I totally want to do this!” Awesome. I’m psyched to have you along and I hope you tell me about it. If you are starting from scratch and have no current conditioning this probably isn’t a good idea. This is going to be really intense pretty much every day and I don’t want you to get discouraged or worse, injured. Maybe start with just P90X or Insanity. Then join up

Second, you’re going to need access to the following. P90X, P90X+, Insanity, free weights and a pull up bar. Oh, and a shitload of protein. Really, if you do this and are only taking in the protein from a “normal” diet you will not even be getting close to enough. You will feel likely feel shit all the time and probably get hurt as your body will not be able to keep up. Protein shakes and bars will straight up NEED to be a part of your diet. Not, maybe. Required.

Ok, so here’s week 1!

Monday – Back and Biceps, Ab Ripper X
Tuesday – Plyometrics Cardio Circuit
Wednesday – Chest, Shoulders and Triceps, Cardio Abs
Thursday – Pure Cardio
Friday – Total Body Plus, Abs Core Plus
Saturday – Cardio Power and Resistance
Sunday – Off Day

I have a feeling that off day will feel really nice.

Now, Katie and I will be working out at Pinkerton probably right around 5:15 pm every day but saturday so if you want to join us I’d love to see you there! Otherwise, if you need help getting access to the videos let me know and I’ll see if I can help you out! Good luck!

As I mentioned, the secrets on the website had never really pertained to me directly until I saw this one.

This was something I had actually thought about and felt a lot lately. What feels like a long time ago, I thought I knew what home meant. I could have defined it for you and I you might have even agreed. Growing up, home was a place which for me was a house in Hampstead, NH. That would be my definition of home from age 3 until about 26 when I moved into the condo. I thought the condo was going to be my home but it never really was and it was something I struggled to get my head around. It was definitely the place I lived. The house in Hampstead was gone. How was this not home? It just wasn’t.

It took me until fairly recently to really get it. Home is not a place. Hampstead had been my home because it was where my family was and it was a place that had been the location of most of my memories for most of my life. The building was only home by association with the other bigger and more important things that life is built around. When I left Albany and moved back to New Hampshire I thought I was coming home and it was going to have all the positive feelings and memories to go along with it. It didn’t really work that way though.

In theory, I should have been able to come to this place and make it my home by building new memories with my family. Well, my family had changed since I had gotten older. When you’re little, your family is your direct relatives. The people who help build the first part of your life. Once you “grow up” and head off on your own you have to build your own family. I had the person I wanted to be my family and when I got this place it was against her will. That alone made it so this would never be our home and made it impossible for us to ever properly be a family. The right kind of memories can never be built if one of the people doesn’t want it to be their home. Instead of getting to build happy memories you end up with frustration and animosity.You’re essentially forcing someone to do something when they don’t want to. Who does that to their family? It cracks the foundation and breaks everything down. This place can never be my home.

Home isn’t a place, no matter how much you want it to be. It’s those bigger things and since the day the one I wanted to be my family left, this place has felt cold and empty to me.

As it turns out, I do know what home is now. I just don’t have it. All I know is, I really want my family back and she basically doesn’t want anything to do with me. That is a way worse feeling than not knowing where home is.

This is about the fact that we all go into slumps from time to time. Those stretches where everything seems to piss us off or make us sad and it seems like everything is sort of out of control. Half the time I think we don’t even realize we’re in them until something happens and we realize what a douche we’ve been being.

The other night I went to go see “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” with my friend Calee. I loved the hell out of the movie and on the way home I cranked up some tunes and Calee and I sung along quite loudly and just basically had a great time. It was one of those moments where you think, “I haven’t had fun like this in a while” then you realize “Son of a bitch! I’ve been in a slump!”

There isn’t really a slumpbuster for those situations. You just kind of come out on the other side and start feeling better. Life picks up and you start laughing more again. I’m just glad I noticed so I can try to be less douchey.

Today, John Cougar Mellencamp stated that the internet is the most dangerous invention since the atomic bomb AND that is has destroyed the music industry and IS destroying the movie industry. I will shortly say I disagree. I think the internet is the best thing to ever happen to either of those industries from a creative standpoint. There is more music and movies available to the public now than at any other point in history. That is a great thing. Financially, it has changed both of these industries. The sources of revenue have changed and, for the moment, decreased. Perhaps permanently. What was destroyed by the internet was the music and movie industry as we knew them but they are both a long way from destroyed. They’re just different. They changed and maybe it’s unfair to criticize a guy that is very used to and very vested in the industry being the way it once was.

The point of this post isn’t to bash the music or movie industry. It’s to look at change in our owns lives. I think we get comfortable in our lives and occasionally resist change without even realizing it. Hell, I’ve seen people who were totally unhappy with something in their lives but won’t change anything and they have no idea why. It goes like this…

“Are you unhappy with situation X?” (with situation X representing anything in life from jobs to living place to love life)
“Yes”
“OK, make this change.”
“Maybe I will! Yeah! I’m going to fix situation X!”

Then, nothing ever happens. There’s always of list of excuses but what it really comes down to is shaking your own boat can be pretty damn scary. The status quo feels safe and easy and even if things aren’t perfect  or even good we usually feel like they COULD GET WORSE.

“Yes, I’m unhappy now but there’s always the potential to downgrade to straight up miserable! At least now I have __________________!”

All I’m saying is, don’t be afraid to make a change. If you don’t like something in your life, do something about it. Big or small. Just try it.

To say I find myself lost in understanding these feelings would be an incredible understatement. To say that it’s impossible to understand these feelings would be an understatement.