Why Pumas are Funny

I have a couple of pairs of Pumas and I like them a lot. Pumas does a great job at making really interesting looking shoes and I love them for it but what they don’t do a good job of is making shoelaces. In fact, I feel like they were involved in some kind of a race to the bottom to see if they could make the worst and most useless shoelaces on the fucking planet. If that’s the case, they have succeeded completely and earned whatever merit of suckiness they got. Puma shoeslaces seem to have 2 modes they function in. Mode 1, untied and utterly useless. During the summer you can add Mode 1A: Untied and whipping you in your exposed calf anytime you take a step. Mode 2: tied so ridiculously tight that a magician wouldn’t know how to get the damn things lose. There was a period of time where I didn’t wear a pair of my Pumas for like a week because I couldn’t get one of them untied. You might be thinking, “How about just tied normally?” and that would mean you ignored the fact that Pumas only have 2 modes and that was not one of them. Time to start working on your listening skills. So, I just want to shout out to Puma and say thanks for nothing, you douches.